It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
mumsnet is amazing
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.