I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
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“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
The 6 types of sex
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty