Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
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If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?