Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
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The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
That was easy.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
is this how new cars are made??
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall