My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right