[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
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Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?