Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
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I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
What flavor cupcake are these
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.