When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
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I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that