Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Breaking news:
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.