The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
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me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
cat vs inanimate object
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.