There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
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Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
It be like that sometimes 😆
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to