Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
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“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees