[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps