Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
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Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
early stone age tool
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands