[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
our love story in four pictures
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?