Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
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When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I had to Stop for this
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Some of y’all tomorrow …
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Always 🥴
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*