Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
do u think theres a butter planet?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Don’t talk down to me
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther