You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.