I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
You Might Also Like
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Geez man, take it easy.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
me after drinking all the wine:
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Room with a view.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.