How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.