[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
reviewed some movies recently
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Don’t forget to tip your server
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man