All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?