My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
You Might Also Like
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.