🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Any refunds available?…
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage