If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock