[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
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My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles