If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
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If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
found this cool rock hiking today
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
never compromise your values
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok