Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.