ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Ok but actually
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?