My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Breaking news:
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ