Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
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Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.