My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Noah
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.