My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
My dryer is celebrating lint.