Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Posting this on behalf of a friend
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
This is so me 😂😂
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.