“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”