Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.