i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
blocked.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.