what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao