[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.