Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out