A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.