Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.