Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
LMAO.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.