Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
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Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.