Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Ain’t no way
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above