Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
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My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.