LOOOOOOL
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
as is their right
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.