Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
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Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?