6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.