Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
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A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead